My thoughts on anxiety

Let’s talk about anxiety.

I’ve decided to write this post because I feel the need to share my experience. In the last few years we’ve seen a little change in society, with people talking more about this problem, but still a lot of work has to be done.

As far as I remember, I’ve always been anxious. When I went to kindergarten I cried because I wanted to stay home. When I started primary school, sometimes I felt like throwing up because I knew no-one. It was at the end of middle school though, that things started getting serious: I got sick each time there was a test. This went on, getting worse and worse, in high school. Believe me, it was a nightmare. I had no idea why I was feeling like that, my body and my mind were undergoing processes I couldn’t understand. Why did I feel like that? Why couldn’t I be like all the others? I felt ashamed, as if there was something wrong with me. Something rotten.

At the age of 16 I realised I was letting anxiety win. I needed to fight back. And so I did it, struggling a lot every day. I didn’t stop throwing up, but I learnt to go to school after I had felt sick, so I didn’t lose school days anymore.

When I got to university I started feeling a little better; studying was a good thing now, because I could focus on what I loved. Despite this, there were other things that made me feel bad; dealing with a lot of people altogether, for example. Or having a serious argument with someone.

As I got into my twenties, I began dealing with anxiety better, but that doesn’t mean it disappeared. No way: it has always been a faithful companion of mine and always will be. There are moments when I win and moments when it wins. Sometimes, getting out of bed seems the hardest thing to do. Still, I do it.

The historical moment we’re living in certainly doesn’t help: honestly, going out after the lockdown wasn’t easy. Staying at home all day, I had created a little bubble that protected me. Going out was quite difficult and made me feel unsafe and nervous; which is exactly why I needed to get outside.

Luckily, I’ve been surrounded by people who love me all my life. My family, my boyfriend, my friends…I’ve found people I could lean upon on my path all the time.

Right now, after all these years of struggles, perfectly aware that I’ll always have to fight, I can say that: there is nothing wrong with me. When I went to school I used to think I was weak because I couldn’t manage school the same way my classmates did. Now I believe I was actually pretty strong, because I’ve learnt to manage it, coping with my problem every day. I’m not scared anymore. Take this summer, for example. After enduring a huge anxiety attack that got hold on me for a couple of months, I reacted getting involved in new, important projects: I self-published a book, started this blog, an Instagram page and I also enrolled at university again.  Moreover, now I use all the negative energies anxiety gives me and I try to put them on paper. This is why I have to say that writing saves me every day.

I hope this post can help someone. If there is somebody who feels the same way that I do, I want you to know there is nothing wrong with you. These things happen, and you can overcome them. And always keep in mind that you are not alone.     

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